Politiclash: Donald Trump vs Joe Biden - Jon Cozart

Ladies and gentlemen!

What in the Sam Hill

Is happening to America?

Fire

Fury

Mark Zuckerburg

It’s the battle of the two septuagenarians

Who will save us?

Silent generation my ass

Good evening to all you hacks

Still practicing quarantine

(Hey it’s the real Donald Trump)

Yeah, I’m gracing your screens

Ladies?

(He ain’t quite done making America scream)

Hey Barron?

Hold my hydroxychloroquine

Half my crew’s in the pen but I’m rolling in deep

'Cause I got this sick beat

Like Corona-19

You think Biden’s gonna sweep

Once my people hit the streets?

They want

(Four more years!)

'Bout to give 'em fourteen

I’m impressed, the progressives

Were so quick to surrender

Got the left crying 'uncle' electing a sex offender

(Hee hee!)

One sec, let me mention this in case you can’t remember

My name is Donald Trump

And it’s really nice dementia

I’m relentless

I still got Herman Cain’s support

See him tweeting from the freezer truck

Behind the Walmart

Calling all the free thinkers

The death count is fake

The Boomers won’t complain

Until it’s 401k

Don’t trust Doctor Fausty

The little devil’s cursed

I’m getting getting my science from QAnon, good nurse

Don’t need to mince words

I’m a world class jerk

Biden’s spitting out his dentures

At the mention of dessert

Only illegals and dead people vote for your ass

Giftin' ballots to the ghosts of Latinxmas passed

I’m giving Jesucristo a hand with that Rapture

I love the Bible

Heard I’m featured in the last chapter

My resumé, it’s flawless

The markets go topless

I’m in bed with big tech

They’re hard for MAGAnomics

Deregulated Wall Street, jet fuel economics

We’ll watch it as the world trade

Topples from the optics

My tax cuts are massive

Relax, slip it in

Yeah, we’re plowing towards an iceberg

But bro, it’s just the tip

So don’t bitch about the loopholes

When the rich fund your pulpit

I know you know the tax code

You’re the ho who wrote it

Secret’s out, I’m an asshole

The electorate’s indifferent

20 trillion in debt

Pushing the bill onto their children

It’s why they’re called the Boomers

They sent a grenade in

I’m an exclamation point

To finish off their generation

Joe Biden’s lit

Let’s hear him spit

He’s got that nation in his grip

Till arthritis hit

No need to run

He pacing it

Replacement hip

Joe Biden’s lit

Don’t question it

Used to be a wingman

Now I’m balls deep in it, leaking in

Bet I gotta clean the sheets from the beat

Bet you get 'em free when the Klan meet

With your family

You owe the IRS millions

How will you feel when I grab five trillion

From out the pants of your friends in the Hamptons?

Put in the hands of the standard civilian

Got an interest in pragmatics

A fact addict

My resumé is straight fact

I don’t pad it

You’re running with a rat pack trapped in the attic

Your camp is running fake ads

They don’t have it

No time for the dra-matic (matic)

In a word I’m bureau-cratic (cratic)

But I heard it’s a slur since you last had it

So I turn the flash off when I wreak havoc

Then static

My affiliation?

Moderate

My promise is: Make politics a yawn again

Speak softly, pack a long stick

Got a thick skin, that’s Obama dick

To change a nation play conservative

Segregation was ended by a surrogate

Like Lyndon I know what my mission is

Lincoln wasn’t even abolitionist

I’m not the hottest at the bar, but I’m slammed

I like to do do it in the dark, both hands

Bring you brekkie in bed, no pants

Butterface fine with a side of sliced ham

And a slice of white bread in a tight jam

The budget?

I’ll double it.

Twice

Gotta green-plain science to the right

Raise the minimum wage

Fifteen overnight

That’s the minimum age

For your next teen wife

Bet you’ll feel the heat

When you head toward the light

When you beg for your pardon

Better be more polite

Scalia knows satan

Rough from behind

If you’re gonna drop the mic

Pick it up upright

Why don’t you just say it

You’re a radical leftist

When it comes to socialism

You can’t even social distance

Little Joe Hidin'

Where’s that communist doctrine?

Sure, I may be Russian

But at least I’m not Stalin

So, Christians are your lucky charm?

Hmm, that’s suspicious

After killing babies

You’re magically religious

You can’t even pack a stadium

Much less the courts

Sleepy Joe, go home

To the other six dwarfs

You’re too weak to keep me

Or my cabinet on the ropes

Better call up Obama

To bust up this chiffarobe

All that time in the swamp

Joe you’re starting to prune

You’re looking like the creature trailing the black goon

Put your hands in the air

And pray I’m not bitter

I’m a riot with blue lives

And they’re easily triggered

I’d throw you in prison

Before you even got elected

But you’d probably drop dead

Before you could finish your sentence

You’re a typical democrat

Pretending to care

When black lives only matter to you

Every four years

Yeah I’m proud of my boys

But I’ll denounce white powder

Want Hunter to love you?

I’ll grind you into white powder

Four more years

They want me reelected president

When you hear 'four more years'

The doctor’s being generous

So incase you need reminding

Even if you squeak by

You’ll be the least memorable president

Of Alzheim

Republican

Democrat

We are all Americans

And as president, I promise

Loser

Huh?

You’re a loser, okay?

With the Ukraine thing, with your son, it’s a huge deal, the fake news media

Will you shut up, man?

No

I can’t think

Bout to take the route you tried with Don Jr

Plan B

You dropped agent orange on New York for what

A photo op?

Holding 'a' bible like a prop

Popping tear gas like a soda pop

I noticed though you got the photo

Cropped down to a solo shot

Though the cops were all around you

Like a Donald Duncan Donut shop

You ain’t pro life

You get weak kneed

Getting fingered by police

You only lift up women

So you can see what’s underneath

Stripping healthcare to it’s bare bones

And switching your positions

You’re a deep fake Defarge

With the way you sow division

Too many characters in your cabinet

This America or Narnia

Escaping into fantasy

Like every night for poor Melania

With Pence making claims

On the coronavirus task force

'The virus came from China'

Like Ivanka Trump’s bags were

Your flow’s sick

From hope hicks

And the covid flight crew

The first time in four years

I’ve heard 'positive' news

Once you kill off your constituents

Whose left to vote for you?

My soccer moms sure won’t

Better hope hicks do

For a century the Economy’s

Done better under Democrats

You call yourselves conservatives?

You don’t even spend less

You sodomize the middle class

We’re stuck in Deuteronomy

Wandering through forty years

Of shoddy fiscal policy

You run the country like you business

So that’s why we’re in debt

You must be working on commission

For that precious one percent

You don’t like the news

So you stole the printing press

To pump the markets full of bull

A courtesy of the FEDs

You’re done tearing at the fabric

Of American society

Like it’s one of your lovers

Of the Bolshevik variety

I took the foot out my mouth

And shoved it up your backside

From barebacking the Kremlin

It fit just fine