Hangover - Doug Stanhope

To Salt Lake, and now please welcome Doug Stanhope.

(audience cheers and applauds) Thank

you!

Thank you very much.

Thanks.

(man shouts in audience) Yeah, thanks.

I just realized I didn’t

turn off my cell phone, so I’m gonna just… Fuck it.

Fuck it.

Don’t call me.

Alright.

I should have

started stronger than this.

Ever look in the mirror in the morning and think, “that can’t be

accurate.”

Oh it’s–that’s off by years, and pounds, and wrinkles, and is that metric?

Send that to

the front desk and get that recalibrated ’cause that is not–that doesn’t even look like a head

anymore.

The fuck have I done to myself?

(laughter) I’m good at night, don’t worry, It’s just the

mornings are fucking rougher.

I don’t do nearly as many drugs as I should, then I have the

reputation for it, but Mitch Hedberg, you know Mitch Hedberg, right?

(cheers and applause) He

was a–he was a drug enthusiast.

He was a drug connoisseur, and he died.

Drugs killed him, but

they didn’t ruin his life by any stretch.

He really enjoyed–he was good at–he wasn’t someone

who Faltered at it.

He didn’t wake up, “and oh, shit.

I should really work on myself, and I–I need

to rethink this.”

That guy fucking loved doing drugs the entire time he was Alive, maybe up until

that last minute where he went– (gasps) That might have not been as much Fun, but still.

And

now his family, his Beautiful, beautiful family, and Mary and arne, and if you ever see this, don’t

take it personal, but his family set up A Mitch Hedberg charity.

It’s a Mitch Hedberg golf

tournament to go to support a rehabilitation facility.

They took everything that he was about,

turned it on its ass.

He hated sports.

He loved drugs.

And you have a fucking charity, sponsoring.

It’s like if the guy who died on the luge in the Olympics had his family come out and have a

charity pie-eating contest to keep kids out of sports.

Stay on the couch, you get fat, kids.

It was

just everything he was against for everything he loved, and they did that because I guess it

would have been too tasteless to have a charity event where you get–actually for a buck a shovel

literally dig up his grave and turn him Upside down… And then bury it back.

(audience applauds

and shouts) His parents are so sweet, and I Was very tentative about Putting that on a dvd.