Dr. Drew Is to Medicine What David Blaine Is to Science - Doug Stanhope

But it’s Such a funny–it’s just–rehab Is just such fraud.

It’s just this cottage industry Of nonsense

junk science, Fucking Dr. Drew Pinsky should be just–he’s like–I’ve never Done a bit about

someone for– You do bits, and you fake anger, And you write a bit, you know, You have passion

for it, and Then you do it too many times, And then you have to work up the anger, and I’ve

never had to do that when talking about Dr. Drew Pinsky for fucking years.

Just hearing his

name, this bile comes out of me ’cause it’s– (audience applauds and shouts) It started–if there is

a war on drugs, he is the Joseph Goebbels’ propaganda minister of lies, and it started out with

just the celebrity rehab, and that was a–it’s a dumb show.

But what made it important–Dr.

Drew

is a real doctor.

That’s what you have to keep in Mind.

He’s an actual–he’s not a fake Dr. Phil.

He’s

an actual, went to medical School, has a diploma over his Desk, real doctor spreading this

Nonsense, and it started with “celebrity rehab,” which was a Guilty pleasure.

It was fun to watch.

They, you know, call in all These d-level celebrities.

Let them shake off the dts for a couple of days with cameras in

Their faces 24/7, and then they’d send them boating with Gary Busey

’cause that’s what a medical professional would tell You to do in that situation, And instead of

being stripped of His credentials for this, Instead of being drug out in The street and beaten and

tied Shirtless to a telephone pole out front of this place so garage bands could staple flyers to his

chest to promote their upcoming gig, and then the other band would draw a dick picture On the

thing, and they’d tear that off and put up a new Poster, and eventually Drew Pinsky would die

the slow Bleeding death of a thousand Weeping pinhole bleeds.

Instead of that happening, what

happened is it gave him Credibility.

People took him seriously.

And that’s what makes you crazy,

Is not that these buffoons exist In life, but the fact that it Was–like the Sarah Palins or the Glenn

Becks or whoever where you ah–if everyone was Laughing at them, you’d go, “ah, what a–” but

when they’re taking–Drew Pinsky now is the Go-to guy for any kind of celebrity, you know, any–

any Heath Ledger issue, any fucking Michael Jackson, he’s the guy That the mainstream media

goes To.

“joining us tonight to talk About one of the coreys that Died.

We don’t know which

corey.

No one really cares.

But to discuss the tragedy, Joining us tonight, celebrity rehabilitation

expert, Dr. Drew Pinsky, welcome to the show.”

You know, first of all, how are You a celebrity

rehabilitation expert?

How do you get that designation?

At what point in medical school did your

professor pull you to the side?

“Drew, come here a second, I wanna talk to you.

Listen, I have

been watching your work.

I have been watching you poke around the cadavers and do what you

do with the smug look on your face.

Did anyone ever tell you that you have a keen eye for the

rich and famous?

You should really go in that direction.

I think you have a natural gift to be an

ambulance chaser to the stars.

You fucking would step over a dozen dying winos in the street

just to get to Lindsay Lohan’s bedside to offer unsolicited advice to Charlie Sheen via Twitter as a

medical professional is wont to do.”

Yeah, yeah, Dr. Drew Pinsky, celebrity rehabilitation expert.

It’s like if I were a gynecologist, but I’ve found that I–I specialize in really young, hot… shaved…

stinkless pussy.

That’s where I found–I just had a knack.

It was like a gift from God, just teenage

Norwegian pussy is all I really work with anymore because I wanna give back.

I wanna give of

myself, you puddle of shit.

And what they don’t show you, when they’ve–they’re treating this.

Remember this is a deadly disease.

Addiction is–here it comes again, watch.

Ah, ah.

This might

look like a choice, But it’s not.

This is a deadly affliction.

Mmm, mmm.

There’s no such thing as

addiction.

I mean on the most minor levels, there are–if you’re a hardcore substance abuser,

there is a physical addiction where you might need a medical detox for a few days to–so you

don’t seizure up and swallow your tongue.

After that, it’s done.

Then it’s a choice.

It’s right back

to a fucking choice.

(shudders) whoo!

and there’s no such thing as addiction.

There’s only things

that you enjoy doing more than life, (audience cheers and applauds) And that’s– it’s not just

drugs and alcohol, fucking sex addiction, eat too much pie, but, yeah– It’s what you wanna do.

And what they don’t show you in any of these shows is–what are you– what do you do with

these– you have all these shows exploiting shitheads.

You know, “intervention.”

“intervention’s”

an hour-long show and 52 minutes of it is some fucking stumblebum being followed around by a

camera, shitting his pants, puking in trashcans and losing his job because that’s fun to watch.

It

really is.

It’s easily exploitable.

That’s why cigarettes–they’re far more dangerous than anything

that they show, like an intervention, but you don’t see that episode.

There’s not the–the

cigarette, because no one wants to watch 52 minutes of a guy going… (laughter) “it’s killing me.”

So they have to get the stumblebum just, you know, shitting his pants and knocking over the

turkey at his aunt Nancy’s house on thanksgiving morning because you’re trying to drink her

mouthwash because it’s fun to watch.

But what they don’t ever show you is the cure.

If these

shows are supposed to be informational and educational, what the fuck do you do?

What’s the

cure?

You show me 52 minutes of the guy fucking up and being hilarious, and then you fast

forward through the intervention part ’cause no one wants to watch that.

That’s just boring idiot

family members reading Hallmark cards they wrote themselves.

“you didn’t show up to sherry’s

graduation and– ” So what do you–what happened?

And the only cure they show– they show–

oh yeah, and we flew him to Palo Alto, California for a rehab, and he hasn’t drank since 2007

Well, what did you do there?!

That might be a good focal point of the show, is the cure for this

deadly disease!

What is the cure, Dr. Drew?

Tell me what you’re gonna do with Charlie Sheen if

you get him.

How do you fucking cure these people?

All you do is show me, you know, boating

with Gary Busey.

What’s the cure?

“Well, we get them involved in A–we put him in a rehab.”

Well, what do you do in the rehab?

“well, it’s a–it’s a treatment.”

Well, what is the fucking

treatment?

“Well, we get them involved in a program.”

Stop with the buzz words and tell me

what exactly is the cure!

“Oh, the cure specifically is– (coughs) uh, God.”

What?

What?

“Yes…

(coughs) God.”

That’s what you do?

That’s all I do.

All these rehabs, all they do is funnel you into

a 12-step program, AA and the like, and any 12-step program is a God-based program.

It’s like

seven of the 12 steps are about God and giving your life to God.

You’re a fucking medical doctor

with a diploma over your desk.

You treat one thing and one thing only, and the only cure you

have for it is God?

Even your religious friends do not wanna hear about God during a medical

diagnosis.

It’s the last word you ever wanna hear from a doctor.

“You know, doc, my fucking

lymph nodes are swollen out of my neck.

I look like a bullfrog.

I’m shitting blood with clumps in

it.

I can’t keep food down.”

“Ooh, sounds like someone needs a higher power.”

(audience cheers

and applauds) “Can’t we do some blood work first, series of antibiotics, get a cat scan?”

“No, get

on your knees and pray, faggot.”

You’re a doctor?

“Yeah, I’m on TV, too.”

(laughter)