Giant Black Cock - Doug Stanhope

I need a fucking black cock.

I need a–is there a–is there Any black cock in here?

Hey, can we do

that when we edit This out?

When we edit this, just like Don’t even use this audience, Just

smash cut to the, like a Martin Lawrence show audience, It’s just all-black people just Laughing

hysterically at me?

’cause that looks so much Cooler, and people would be, “I Don’t know he was

like– I guess he’s a big, like, urban Act, this doug stanhope.”

But I need a picture of a black Cock,

if you have a–if there’s Black cock in here and you want A model after this show.

I mean–this is–

wasn’t even a Bit when I first started asking.

It was a serious– I need a picture of me with a Fat

black cock just slapped Across my open mouth, sideways, Like, ahhh.

Like a fucking bratwurst, A

at packer tailgating– Ahhh!

It doesn’t have to be giant.

It’s just sizeable.

It has to be photogenic

Veiny black cock.

Your face doesn’t have to be in It.

Just–we can crop that out.

Just me, ahhh.

I

have a picture I keep in my Wallet of my father’s corpse.

My father died in 2001 He was just a fat

nice guy.

He died at 73 He had colon cancer.

It had just fucking tore him Apart.

He was a fat nice

guy.

He was always nice, and he made Blueberry pancakes, and he Didn’t have opinions, he just

Smiled, and he’s fat, and then, He was down to like 78 pounds, And I have a picture of me Kissing

him on the forehead, Moments after he died.

I’m all full of fucking tears.

And I keep that picture

in my Wallet to show people who show Me baby pictures.

(laughter and applause) “oh, you see.

Did you know I had a baby?

Look at this.”

You go, “oh, you had a baby.

Well, this is–this is how

that Ends.

This is what–this is what you Made.

That’s what you made.

Did you consider that

before you Had that hubris to fucking just Create people without their Consent?

Because that’s

gonna be your Corpse one day, and that’ll be Your crying child not Understanding why someone

who’s Done nothing but be really nice To people has to be fucking Raped to death with shit

cancer By nature like that, and then it Will be your baby’s corpse with A gray death mask, and

when you Touch their cheeks, all the cold Drool that’s built up in their Open mouth spills onto

your Hand.

Do you want a copy?”

And that’s why–that’s why I Want the black cock photo to go

As a companion piece.

Ahhh.

Because I use the word “faggot” Very liberally and I never Attach sexuality to it.

It’s just a fun

word of Weakness, and it’s happy.

I love homosexuality.

I promote it.

You fuck and you don’t

leave Fucking garbage on the earth Because of it.

You know, fucking nothing.

I don’t have to look

at pictures Of the results.

Yeah, fucking homosexuality.

I fucking–I support Wholeheartedly, and I

use the Word “nigger” when nigger’s the Appropriate word, like, or if I’m just quoting Mel

Gibson.

I’m not gonna say, “oh, and then He said I hope you get raped by A pack of n-words.”

No,

it’s fucking nigger.

It’s a sound you can make with Your mouth and fucking get over It.

If you’re offended by any word In any language, it’s probably Because your parents were unfit To raise a

child.

They were too stupid.

They should have been neutered Because all it is a sound you Can

make with your mouth that You shouldn’t be–it’s not a Weakness that you have Naturally.

When

you come out of that pink Ugly hole onto this planet, You’re nothing but a gooey Shrieking

wrinkled ball of Weakness.

That’s all you are.

You’re just weak.

You’re nothing but weak, and

Your parents look at that, and They think not weak enough.

We can make this thing even Weaker

by training it Pavlovian To react poorly to different Sounds that you can make with Your mouth.

We’ll list them up.

This is the worst thing.

If anyone ever says this sound, Blah la, la la la, That’s

the worst thing they can Call you, so make sure to recoil And cry and be hurt and Devastated and

eat ice cream on A couch for days and then write A song about it.

You wouldn’t do that

otherwise.

You’d just be happier if your Parents didn’t fuck it up with Their stupid–you’d just be a

Happier person.

I could just walk right up to You and go, “hey, cunt,” and You’d go, “no, I’m

Rebeca, But I guess I have a face that Looks like a lot of different People.

What’s your name?

Welcome to Salt Lake.”

But your parents ruined that, And that’s a–I just need a Fucking picture of

the fucking Giant black cock and me just Feasting on it with fucking Magic in my eyes.

Ahhh.

That

way people get upset.

You know, if you say faggot, and You say it’s just a sound, but You know

what?

If you grew up with an Alternative lifestyle like I Did, and you were taunted on a

Schoolyard, and you go, “hang On, sugarplum, look right here, Just look at that picture.

You

relaxed now?”

Ah… See?

Can I just– Because I don’t care.

“nigger” is just, yo, you think That’s–

you’re edgy to throw That around, and you know, but You don’t–the history of Hatred with that

word, you go, “hang on, look right here.

Look, do you know what black Cock tastes like?

Then

why don’t you study your Roots a little bit more like I Did?

And in the meantime, back off.”

Who

is the faggot nigger now, Huh?

Who is the faggot nigger now?

(crowd whistles and applauds)