Grandfather - Stephen Lynch

When Grandfather dies

Life will be strange

When Grandfather dies

My whole world will change

When Grandfather dies

I’ll scream and I’ll yell

'Cause I’ll be fuckin' rich as hell

So Grandfather, die

Don’t keep me in suspense

Oh Grandfather, cough

Up that inheritance

Oh Grandfather, don’t

Hold on another day

I love you to death

But I’ve gots bills to pay

A stroke would be nice

Disease would be cool

I’ll scatter his ashes

In my new swimming pool

I’ll party with Hef

I’ll dine with the Queen

So what say we unplug that machine?

Oh Grandfather, die

Before the fiscal year

Oh Grandfather, I

Wish Kevorkian were here

Oh Grandfather, fly

Just take your final bow

Oh Grandfather, die

Family hates you anyhow

For God’s sakes, you must be as old as the sun

Your Social Security Number is 1

You’re deaf, dumb, and blind, and an amputee

You donate your blood every time that you pee

Your arthritis acts up whenever it rains

You’re so old your penis has varicose veins

Oh, why don’t you die, Grandpa?

Why must you fight?

You old motherfucker

Just walk toward the goddamn light

Walk toward the light, old man

Walk toward the light, old man

It’s all over now

My granddad is dead

A mysterious blow

To his wrinkled old head

Before I collect

A small oversight

But everything should work out all right

I’ll start working on my grandma tonight