Best Friends Song - Stephen Lynch

Stephen: Mark has been my best friend for many years now, and I wrote a song-

Mark: About one

Stephen: …that's a lot of months.

I wrote a song to celebrate what I think is

our greatest asset as friends, and that’s our complete and utter differences.

We’re total opposites when it comes to almost everything

Mark: Completely

Stephen: So I wrote a song, and we’re gonna sing it for you now

Mark: Gay.

Not gay.

Just one thing.

It’s this shirt, isn’t it?

Alright,

I’m the gay one

Stephen: Thank you!

I didn’t wanna out you in front of everybody

Mark: I like my toast buttered

Stephen: And I like mine dry

Mark: I dig the Beatles

Stephen: I’m a 'Stones kinda guy

Mark: I have fine taste

Stephen: And I like things cheap

Mark: I wanna stay up all night

Stephen: I just wanna sleep… with your sister!

Mark: I’m sorry, what did you just say?

Stephen: What?

Mark: No, you just said something about you want to sleep with my-

Mark: I like the sunshine

Stephen: And I wanna nail your sister

Mark: See there, you just said it again.

I like Julia Roberts movies

Stephen: I just wanna F*** the S*** out of your sister!

Stephen: Well Tyke, you would rule, if you’d say «It's cool»

Mark: What are you talking about?

It’s not cool!

Stephen: I’d go pick her up at her Jr. High School!

Mark: Woah!

Hey!

That Sister?

NO!

Stephen: Yeah!

I wanna F*** your sister!

I just wanna F*** in her F***ing face

and C** all over her hair and stick it in her eyeball and-

Mark: Hey!

No!

OH MY GOD!

You can’t skull F*** my sister!

Mark: Hey, hey, woah!

Wait a minute!

Stephen: What?

Mark: Woah, goddamit!

Stephen: What???

Mark: You wanna F*** my sister?

Stephen: Yes

Mark: You wanna F*** my SISTER?

Stephen: Yes!

Mark: *pause* $ 26.50