A Boy and His Boat - Starbomb

Hey, it’s Link, I’m back and I’m sailing on a ship

I’m the King of Red Lions!

Yo, I don’t give a shit

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from years of saving this land

It’s all I really need is a sword and shield in my hand

But look over there, that sign says «Beware!»

«A giant pit no one can jump you can’t fly through the air!»

You’ll need a special item to get through that moat

But what do I know, right?

I’m just a fucking boat!

Fuck, alright, shit, okay

I can maybe pick up one or two things on my way

But as far as I’m concerned, all I need is «sword play»

Shut your fucking elf mouth and take my items, okay?

Your quest is long, and the road is tough

The path is dark, you’re gonna need a shitload of stuff

No lives are spared, you better be prepared

Moblin fangs and a boomerang

And a cloth to shield that nasty wang!

From Majora’s mask to an empty flask

Here’s what you need to complete your task!

A bow and arrow, nice, and a skeleton key!

And a second place trophy from a local spelling bee?

A candle with the handle, and a single Velcro sandal

Is this an old court order for a drug related scandal?

No…

Hey boat, all these items hurt my back, its a lot!

Pop a Tylenol, you bitch, you’ve got 87 slots!

Here’s a hammer that can break any kind of rock that it hits

Oh!

And a pair of full-size studio drum kits!

Ugh!

A giant used Q-tip

A really small cruise ship

A parent’s signature for a Disneyland school trip?!

Documents that prove the moon landing was a hoax

And a legendary sacred hidden Golden Tome of Fart Jokes!

This Wind Waker lets you control the air

And this sit maker is a really comfortable reclining chair!

The road is long, you must protect that schlong

Noble stallions and quake medallions

You’re a bigger deal than plumbing Italians!

Sour-dough, a herd of buffalo

Just a few more things and you’re ready to go!

Your grandma’s glass eyeball

80-pounds of drywall

And every single item from the March issue of Skymall?

A vegan pasta maker

The wrestler «Undertaker»?

An odd number of crutches and a family of Quakers

A basket of muffins

A turkey with the stuffin'

A pillow that needs fluffin'?

A society of puffins!

A fresh unopened box of raised-quality potato sacks

46 copies of «The Jerk» on Betamax!

It’s getting kinda heavy

I don’t care, here’s a Chevy!

And the Wacky World of Minigolf

Starring Eugene Levy!

Oh my god

I absolutely cannot carry one more thing!

Don’t you worry, all that’s left is this single piece of string

Whoa… you see?

This is exactly why I also packed a spinal surgeon

I hate you, boat