Cold Showers - Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Cast, Rachel Bloom

There’s nothing I love more in life

Than a scalding hot shower

It’s the symbol of human dignity

That separates us from the chimps

Helps you scrub off the sleep and scrub on the day

Or scrub off the day, and scrub on the sleep

Don’t know if you’re morning or night shower people

Whatever floats your boat

But where are your toddlers gonna float their boats

If all you have is cold H₂O?

That’s two parts hydrogen, one part oxygen

And zero parts justice!

Now I know you’re thinking

«What are you talking about?

Go away, this is private property!»

Well, before we leave, ladies and gents

Allow me to set the scene: ima—

Yeah, I don’t live here.

Oh.

Imagine your kids taking a shower before they go to school

They douse their skin with ice cold water

A huge shock to their little systems

At first it’s downright unpleasant, but then

It gets them wired in a way they’ve never felt

And they think to themselves:

«That shower felt great, maybe I’ll try cocaine!»

So your son’s on coke, your daughter’s pregnant

And your husband’s probably having an affair

Apocalypse!

Just like the movie I Am Legend

But not like that at all

No hot water

Which means cold showers

Next thing you know

Your kids will be on crack

No hot water

Which means cold showers!

Which everyone knows

Is the gateway drug to crack

Crack, crack, crack

Now, it’s not just about the hot water, folks.

If this landlord isn’t taking

one measly hour out of his day to fix your showers, then what’s this scumbag

doing with all your hard earned cash?

He’s taking it and blowing it in a hand of Pai Gow at the Indian casino!

He’s fat-catting it at fancy restaurants like The Olive Garden

And Red Lobster!

Gasp is right!

That’s gasp with an uppercase G

That ends with a P the first letter in pool!

Crack, crack, crack, crack

Crack, crack, crack, crack

Crack, crack, crack, crack

Crack, crack, crack, crack

Crack, crack, crack, crack

Crack, crack, crack, crack

Crack, crack, crack, crack

Crack, crack, crack, crack

Crack, crack, crack, crack

Crack, crack, crack, crack

Crack, crack, crack, crack

Crack—

No hot water

No hot water

Which means cold showers

Next thing you know your kids will be on crack!

This makes sense!

No hot water

Means cold, cold showers

And cold showers are the gateway drug

To crack

Cold water is drugs!

Yeah!