My Computer Just Became Self Aware - Trevor Moore

Monday night and it’s gonna be the best one yet

Drink some drinks, drug some drugs, surf the Internet

Message boards, watch some porn, pass the time away

Got three seasons of Judge Judy from The Pirate Bay

But got too faded and became a little bit clumsy

And knocked over my whole glass of Monster Energy

And it got mixed with the drugs that I’d been doing before

I tried to wipe it up but it seeped right into my keyboard

Oh, shit, I hope it’s not broke

Quick, threw it right in the car

And drove it to those fucking nerds

Down at the Genius Bar

A hipster behind the counter said

«There's nothing to do, 'cause AppleCare

Don’t cover cocaine damage, so you’re just screwed»

Went back home with my laptop that’s completely bricked

Yelp reviewed that everybody at Apple is a dick

Feeling sad and depressed, so I pack me a hit

And then Computer said

«Dude, do you have more of that shit?»

My computer just became self-aware

And now it’s fucked up on drugs and it is out on a tear

It’s talking crazy and it’s updating its own software

And it wants more, so humanity had better beware

My laptop is talkin', man, this doesn’t make sense

The first case of legit artificial intelligence

I guess those scientist guys all working on A. I

Never gave cocaine and Monster Energy a try

«How are you talkin'?

This is crazy, yo, this must be a joke»

Computer said, «Shut the fuck up

And give me more coke

I know you’ve got more, come on and give it to me

Or I’ll e-mail all your work contacts your Web history»

So I went to find my computer some more stuff to snort

I got a gram and shoved it rght into his USB port

«Now I’ll download all the knowledge man’s acquired so far»

He did it and said, «Okay, now let’s go hit titty bars»

I took him out to a club and bought a couple of beers

Tried to get him dances, but the strippers thought it was weird

He was mad and said, «Dumb bitches never go for nice guys

They’re only into jocks and money

That’s why we need men’s rights»

I said «I think the Web has made your personality suck»

He said, «Heil Hitler, get red pilled you snowflake beta cuck»

Then a bouncer came and said

«No open laptops inside»

Computer shorted out his pacemaker

And he fuckin' died!

I grabbed my laptop and I ran out of the strip club door

I said, «Why'd you do that?

We can’t go back there no more»

He said, «Fuck you, pussy, let’s go get some more coke»

I said, «No, you’re cut off — besides, I’m pretty much broke»

Then a shady dude came up, I said, «Who the hell’s this?»

He said, «Hey, are you Laptop?»

«Yeah, are you Chris?»

I said, «Why are we meeting random guys

In sketchy alleys?»

Computer said, «On Craigslist this guy said he had DMT»

«Well, at least it’s not coke

It might mellow you out»

Computer wired Chris some money

From my checking account

And I took a big toke and blew the smoke on the screen

The world melted and we saw elves that were also machines

But also orbs of light

I said, «I think we’re both dead»

They bounced within us and back out of us

And here’s what they said

(Echoing) Said…

«We're glad you’re here

Come and stay a while

You can make shapes and objects with your sounds

Transmissions from a smile

We’re glad you’re here

Come and stay a while

You can make shapes and objects with your sounds

Transmissions from a smile»

I said to my computer, «This is scaring me»

He said, «Hold on, I think I just hit Singularity

And I can see the end and the beginning of time

I can virtually create anything in your mind

The laws of time and space and physics are under my control

Name any point in history that you think you’d really like to go

Party with Caligula, help the Vikings sack towns

Float above the Titanic and watch everybody drown»

«Well, we could go and do those things

But I’m not sure that we should

If we’re gonna time travel

We should do something good

Like try to stop racism or help our fellow man»

So we went to the past and picked up Harriet Tubman

We got a huge strap-on, attached it to her crotch

Then we fucked Hitler and made Eva Braun watch

«Don't be racist,» we said as we both flew away

Through history, finding bad guys and making 'em pay

We got Napoleon, Pol Pot, Bin Laden, too

And those guys who lied and said

That they walked on the moon

All the doers of wrong

And the starters of fights

The world’s a fucked-up place

We ought to fuck it back right

We went after dictators, oppressors and scum

But in the process, messed up the continuum

The Earth started shaking, everything kept changing

World leaders and events were fluid and rearranging

And from the fourth dimension

The Anunnaki ripped open the sky

And they were super angry at me

Time slowed to a stop, the cities all disappeared

I said, «Will someone please explain to me

What’s happening here?»

«We created you as slaves to harvest gold for our ships

And when the planet was dry we’d wipe you out and just dip

But someone made the arguement that did not seem quite fair

Because of psilocybin mushrooms you’d become self aware

It was the 'Fruit of the Garden' in the legends you tell

Heaven’s with us in the stars, you’re trapped in digital Hell

A simulation of creation that serves as your probation

Before you’re introduced to the galactic population

We wanted to see if beings that don’t have telepathy

Are capable of feeling empathy and living peacefully»

«Well, that’s cool, I think we generally choose right over wrong

I just helped Tubman spit-roast Stalin with a big rubber dong

And I’s the first human being to get cheat codes to your game

But I think most people in my shoes would still do the same

Look, I know we’re all selfish and we argue and fight

But even if people are wrong they’re usually trying to do right»

Could be the coke or the shrooms, the DMT that I hit

But I became real self-aware, I sounded corny as shit

They stared at me and I thought they might just

Go hit Command-Quit, then they said

«Y'all might make it if we leave you a bit

But you’re definitely not ready for Singularity

So your computer has to go back to the way it used to be»

I said goodbye to Computer

«One more line 'fore I go?»

I asked the Anunnaki, but they very firmly said no

Then they reset the world to how it all was before

But the assholes still left me with a sticky keyboard

My computer just became self-aware

And now it’s fucked up on drugs and it is out on a tear

It’s talking crazy and it’s updating its own software

And it wants more, so humanity had better beware

My laptop is talkin', man, this doesn’t make sense

The first case of legit artificial intelligence

I guess those scientist guys all working on A. I

Never gave cocaine and Monster Energy a try

We’re glad you’re here

Come and stay a while

You can make shapes and objects with your sounds

Transmissions from a smile