Chairman of the Board - The Stupendium

Roll up and put down your controller

Forget the C.O.D

The table top is what the call’s of

So grab some paper and start taking down the scores

But don’t forget you’re up against the chairman of the board

Right then!

Games night everyone!

What’s up first?

I know what my money’s on

If you’re into causing a family schism

Consider some table-top capitalism

A battle of balances, man I’m so talented

Mopping up profits with Randian callousness

Isn’t much use for financial analysis

Banks are all froze in the throes of paralysis

Golly, it’s very nice crushing the parasites

Man I’m in paradise, give me a pair of dice

I hold 'em, I blow 'em, I roll them

I’m strolling my token right over the Go

And I’m folding the dough

Then I’m throwing down homes

On my portfolio

My monopoly grows

You won’t topple me no

I’m a polished demolisher

Dropping hotels right on top of my foes

If you’re stopping your boat on my property know

That it’s probably honestly gonna be

More than the cost of the whole of the global economy

So you should just stop and just offer me

All of your keys and your dog

Well you could call it a robbery

You can’t afford an apology

All your accountants would flounder and wobble

The top of my profits would boggle a monarchy

Stopping me, ha, take me to court

All that I’m making I’m taking abroad

It’s tucked under the board

So send me to jail and then

Pay off my bail with your rent

Have you thought about having your assets absorbed?

Extorting the poor whilst cutting the cord at community beauty awards

You pitifully bid in futility

I’ve got the roads and the rails and utilities

So bring the waterworks

Your tears will oil the gears of my infamy

Kid in the living room sat on the floor

Imagining I’m on the cover of Forbes

I’m turning this city upside down

Which really amounts to you flipping the board

Now I know nobody likes a loot box economy.

But I think we can all agree on a

community chest.

Hm?

Roll up and put down your controller

Forget the Steam sale, I’ma steam roll ya'

Those twelve-year-olds on Xbox Gold may bolster up your scores

But now my friend, you’re up against a chairman of the board

Think you can beat me?

Winning is my middle name!

Which does not make it a

proper noun

Have you heard the word upon the street?

That nerds prefer our words discreetly

Neatly placed upon a sheet when we compete

Words With Friends is for the weak

A cheap pretender to the peak

Of wordy splendour

Classic Scrabble can unleash

Except, you see

It never leaves me satisfied

When standard boards are utilized

I play my scrabble super-sized

It makes the points quadruple-ise

There’s ancient mosaics not half as prosaic

As when I am placing my tiles in amazing displays

Every play a foray in intrinsic ballistic linguistic forte

I’m a dictionary kicking my score into space

Or at least to the corners a double word score is for paupers

I’m playing for triple or more, stacking multiple multiples up on the board

In a single retort to your pitiful awful attempts, it’s a bore

No, the pen and the sword couldn’t ever compare to the weapons I’ve brought to

the fore

Seven letters is all I need to do more for literature

Than Dickens or Shakespeare could ever have brought

My lexicon’s better than anything ever attempted before

With clever and eloquent spelling galore

Whatever the letters you’re giving me

Fiddly glyphs?

I administer liberally

I play a Q or a Z like a symphony

Giving you quixotry, quartzy or syzygy

Wizardry!

Slinging these nouns and verbs

Sticks and stones might be preferred

So to sum up the rhymes you’ve heard?

Face it you couldn’t find the words

Aha!

Victory is mine!

Which uses all seven tiles and gets me a fifty point

bonus!

Hehe!

Roll up and put down your controller

And if you must bring mountain dew be sure to use a coaster

Your gamer tag may jangle with achievements and awards

But now my friend you’re up against the chairman of the board

I thank you all for coming this evening… I hear the traffic was murder

I suppose you’re wondering why I’ve gathered you all here tonight

A murder has occurred and I’ll be first to shed some light (oh my)

Now Mister Black is on the ground

A victim of a crime most foul

I put to you that here and now

Within this crumbling country house

Amongst this strange and sundry crowd

A murderer is on the prowl

Leave it to me to tell you how

The heinous deed was carried out

This melting pot has overboiled

Watch out, you’ll get your loafers soiled

I’ve a dastard foe to foil

And I’m not 'alf a Conan-Doyle

I’ll tackle the clues through this gaggle of rooms

There’s no slacking to do when I’m tracking the truth

I’m an accurate sleuth with immaculate proof

I investigate better than Agatha could

Did the blaggard attack with a candle or noose?

Or was it the spanner he actually used?

This manor is packed with all manner of tools

(Although Hasbro have had the hatchet removed)

For enacting a plan of dispatching a fool

The plan that was hatched was both heartless and cruel

In the garden, the pantry, the parlour, the pool

(The rooms will depend on the board that you use)

Hold it, I’ve solved it

I know for certain that the culprit

Used the colonel’s old revolver

Stolen from the drawer that holds it

In the kitchen, fingers itching

On the trigger, chamber loaded

And I say I want it noted

Reverend Green’s the one who pulled it

But I’ve got the gun

And I’ve got that scene

Which instantly vindicates poor Mister Green

But with all that is left on the board it would seem

To infer that the murderer must have been me!

Oh dear.

It appears I’ve made a grave mistake

Roll up and put down your controller

Forget Hyrule, I’m a high roller

You may be a master with a blaster or a sword

But now my friend you’re up against the chairman of the board

I tell you.

If I had a pound for every game of Monopoly I’ve won I could buy…

well, another game of Monopoly, probably

I see you’re drawing a blank.

Which you can use in place of any other letter!

We should really stop now.

I think we’ve done this joke to death