The Stranger - The Burning Hell

It was a wet and slishy-slushy winter day

When the strangers came to stay

A man in black from head to toe with a lady by his side

I knew she was a lady, I had a lady-spotting guide

He said pardon, if you please, our train has run out of steam

And left us in this lonesome village for the evening it would seem

We looked for a hotel but we were told they’d all closed down

Due to the economic crisis that we’ve heard so much about

I took pity on the soaking strangers standing in the melting snow

I said mi casa es su casa, that’s Spanish for make yourself at home

He said I speak a little Spanish, though my second language is Français

Et vous êtes très gentil, merci pour votre hospitalité.

I said no need to merci me, just come in out of the cold

Tell me a little of your travels on the icy iron road

We sat down around the fire and as I hung up their overcoats

He began to tell their story with this sentence, and I quote:

The words we speak here are top secret, meant for private ears

But our lives are in grave danger from a band of privateers

So we must take you in our confidence, we are in mortal fear

Of dying

I then figured them for bandits or confidence artistes

When I saw the two-tone collar I knew he was a ska fan or a priest

He noticed me notice and said I observe your observation

Of the sartorial memorial of my spiritual vocation

I wear this habit out of habit, my service has been shoddy

As you can maybe guess I can’t resist the temptations of the body

To my ex-boss Old Jeezy this is all yesterday’s news

But yes this lady is my lover and I am her lover too

It all started last Shrove Tuesday when as per my holy mandate

I was munching on a luncheon at the International House of Pancakes

I ran out of maple syrup so I approached the nearest patrons

A gorilla of a man and a pretty lady eating eggs and bacon

She passed me her maple syrup and as our fingers briefly brushed

I felt a feeling in my face I’d never felt, yes I blushed

My heart began ballooning and my brow began to sweat

Looking deep into the eyeballs of this beautiful brunette

Moments later we were tangled in my cassock in the can

She said I love a man in uniform I said I hope this is god’s plan

She said her name was Ann I said call me Father Daniel or maybe just

Dan

She grabbed my hand, said Dan I gotta blow this popsicle stand, she meant the

IHOP

We were running out the back door before I yelled out Jesus and I stopped

I felt something sticky on my palms I was afraid it was stigmata

But it was just a little maple so we jumped in her Miata

We sped off for the mountains and extramarital shenanigans

We stayed up til dawn going over and over and over the plan again

We’d run away to Monaco to elope on her uncle’s yacht

We’d start a new life in the principality with the money that she’d got

But her ex-boyfriend the gorilla from the pancake house got wind

By the threatiness of his death threats I could sense he felt chagrined

He tracked me down at the Riviera as I was about to say I do

With a band of bandit buddies from his criminally misspent youth

They opened fire on our wedding but we escaped into the sea

When the coast was clear we caught the first train out but now you see

I know they can’t be far behind, these goons are gonna gun me down

We’re like sitting duckish loverbirds in this extremely safe feeling town

The worst part is the gorilla has been ordained as a deacon

And he’s got some spiritual spies supporting the havoc he’s been wreaking

A cruel clergy of crime out for blood and I’m speaking of

Mine

There was an awkward silence as the ex-priest finished talking

His fiancee excused herself to change into a drier pair of stockings

I got up from my chair and I walked over to the cabinet

I was looking for a couple of holy relics I remembered that I had in it

Then I turned with a crucifix-shaped pistol my hand and my zucchetto on my head

His eyes widened as I crossed myself, and I raised the gun and said

My son, sometimes we search for safety and we find only greater danger

So let this be a lesson to you, never talk to strangers