Obsession - September Stories

It only does this because I let it

And it only takes control because I feed it

And after giving in for the hundredth time today, I feel as if I need it

I know it’s just thoughts running through my head

But it feels so real

It feels like you and me

It’s like a helpless disease of the mind

That deteriorates and eats at my thoughts

Poisoning every thought and image

And making them one of it’s own

Everytime I try to overcome, I succumb

Giving in to the thoughts holding me captive

The thoughts that define me in all that I am

It feels surreal wondering if I’d be better off dead.

But is it real?

Is what should be asked instead

It’s been 15 years that I’ve held on to this question

15 years that it’s consumed me with it’s haunted remark

All along feels that I’ve been shooting blanks in the dark

Seeking answers to questions I can’t even comprehend

And somedays… somedays!

I wonder if this is it

If this is all I’ll ever amount to

If this is all that I’m supposed to be

(Sang beneath spoken word)

And at a quarter past three

I sold my life of simplicity

For something more

And maybe you can’t see it

It’s a dark feeling that eats away at all

Happiness from avoiding all of your fears

A feeling that tears down all those walls

That you’ve been building up over the years

Those walls that made you feel safe in your head

As if nothing could possibly go wrong

But you always knew that they would fall

All along

Everytime I try to make this right

It loops itself again and in the end I’m the one to blame

Like having a conscience, but yet feeling no shame

It’s a delusional hold on the mind

That recreates those past horrors that you’ve been running from

Once lost, but not forgotten

It takes years of trial and error

And even then you may not reach a definite end

It’s a disease that changes how you think

Changes what you think is rash and how you react and makes you seem different

when you try to interact

And makes it impossible to ever go back to the expression of normal

Or how it used to be

Because how it used to be… has gotten so far… away from me

(Sang beneath spoken word)

And at a quarter past three

I sold my life of simplicity

For something more

And maybe you can’t see it

But the fact that you left me

Has made me free

Free to make this choice

To end this dull and lifeless play

That I call purpose

Just like those memories of you and me

I swear we could lay there for hours

And do nothing but talk about the past

And life to come

Not once filled with a dull moment

And now I just want to know what’s running through that head of yours

Maybe I can overthink my way in and know exactly how you feel

Or if you thought for even one second that what we had was real

I know I’ve never been the same since that time

It’s like this contagion of the mind

Fears you or I finally can ignore it

No matter the reasoning, I just want to have control it

But honestly, I don’t know if I can

It’s like I’ve let the devil wrap himself around me

I’ve been filled with more fear going down

Than I ever have in the surface

I try not to be scared or nervous

But I think I’ve just come to terms with my purpose