Calling You - KB, Natalie Lauren

It must have been 3AM when the text came in

The sum of my fears

My stomach bendin', my thumb was tremblin'

No pun intended, but I wanted to die

When I saw it was him

Then it read, «KB, this time it’s real, homie I can’t live»

It was in all caps

But I knew he had no caps on his gun or his pills

So I ripped out the door

All the covers down on the floor

No shoes, I just walk on my tears

Callin' him over and over and over again

While I’m throwing the car in to gear

How could he be so selfish?

Will this effort fail too?

Why won’t he answer, answer, answer, he answered!

«Jason, hello?»

Suicide, suicide, suicide

Got one in the chamber

It’s waitin' to take you right out tonight

Don’t roll the dice, roll the dice, roll the dice

It’s all on the table, it’s all for the takin'

But what’s the odds?

I parked in the street

At the car with the keys

Should I call the police?

What if he turns it on me?

Then I looked up, is that him over the sink?

I can’t think

My tongue is as heavy as my heart, I can’t speak

Every time I blink I’m a step closer

My heart about to burst

As I close up on the front door and give the doorbell a ring

It was unlocked so I ran to the top staircase

As I stare at a case on the floor

«Jason, open up»

Continued to knock

«Jason, open up, you ain’t gotta do this

What about the kids?

Don’t go Judas, you got reason to live

We could get through this, don’t give in»

Then I heard movement and a voice I’ll never forget

He said, «Stop it, stop it!

I’m about to cock it!

You barely called back when I was in Iraq

Just leave homeboy, I got this

You know the truth is I had to shoot kids

I’m so guilty (Open the door!)

And God might let it go (Open the door!)

But I’ll never forgive me (Jason!)

Why not?

(I care, I care about you)

The Army never trained me to care

You don’t know the horror of living in a war zone

Then coming back to civilian affairs

I made my bed, the tables were set

My wife moved out, I don’t see my kids

Everything that gave me meaning is gone

The grief’s deep-seeded and bleeds to the bone

I want out!

Suicide, suicide, suicide

Got one in the chamber

It’s waitin' to take you right out tonight

Don’t roll the dice, roll the dice, roll the dice

It’s all on the table, it’s all for the takin'

But what’s the odds?

I ain’t have a word, not a story not a verse

But the silence… I'm trying not to make this worse

I pray and I googled a search

Nothing from school that will work

But I grew up in the church, so what do I do?

Just fell to my knees and I started to blurt

I don’t understand this, I don’t understand this

But you been looking to the weed and them dancers

Don’t be conned by the Ye

Nobody in the West got the answers

Let’s get established, your life isn’t yours to demand it

You can’t do what you please

Jason, I love you, but the next step is God homie

You ain’t escaping a thing

You know Jesus he wanted to die in that garden

Acquainted to man in his sorrows

But he kept up the fight

Cause he knew joy, it was coming tomorrow

You haven’t squeezed that revolver

Cause you know that there’s hope at the end of the tunnel

Embrace it, don’t matter how faint it

God is not silent, please hear what he’s… *gunshot*

«Jason!»

911 Operator: 911 whats your emergency?

KB: Yes, uh I-I gotta friend, and uh, he’s locked himself in the bathroom and I

just heard a gun go off and I don’t know

911 Operator: Okay, calm down sir, are you able to get inside the room?

KB: Yeah, he, he’s got me locked out

911 Operator: Okay, can you try to get inside the room?

KB: Hold on, I’ma try to *door kicks open*

911 Operator: Sir?

KB: Jason!

Okay, he’s-he's not shot, he dropped the gun but he’s passed out

911 Operator: Sir, I’m gonna need you to calm down

KB: No you calm down!

Send help quick!

I see you

I hear you

Hope is calling you

I see you

I hear you

Hope is calling you

Hope is calling you

Hope is calling you