Robert Dye - Momus

They say the Prince Consort was afflicted, you know

With medical defects of many sorts

And even a disease of an anti-social nature

He’d picked up from the Northern German ports

General Impediment

With your medical equipment

To purge excess sediment from the depths of the spleen

Plumbers by appointment

To His Majesty Prince Albert

You’ll never make a whipping boy of me

For I’m Mr Robert Dye, commercial traveller

I worked my way up to Managing Director

Of Sphincter and Linctus, Manufacturers

Our remedies cure all the maladies

That daren’t speak their names

Woe betide the malaise that stands in my way

General Impediment, you’ve had your day

Time gentlemen please, and good night ladies

I wash my contact lenses in a kettle

It really is the quickest, cleanest way

I removed all my hair one day and bought a nice toupee

Cos I’ve never liked my own hair anyway

Never get undressed in front of the window honey

People will think I married you for the money

I dress up as Ghandi

It impresses foreign clients, you see

I like breast milk, but never in my tea

Cos I’m Mr Robert Dye, commercial traveller

What’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander

The animals talk to me, I talk to them

When we rule the world you’ll be sorry

Catch my drift, going my way

Say no more, hi-de-hey

A nudge is as good as a wink at the end of the day

18 Wheeler, best band in the world

Good night ladies

Trudy my mother had me by Caesarian

Grandmother Schlump got shoved under a tram

Lotte, mum’s twin, said the Aryans did her in

For refusing to be beastly to anyone

For I’m Robert Dye, commercial traveller

This life can be hard but keep up your dander

God bless my family and my career

If it wasn’t for sediment we’d never be here

General Impediment just wait and see

You’re far from seeing the back end of me

I’ll have you on your knees, time gentlemen please

And goodnight ladies