Other People's Kids - Louis C.K.

Anyway, I don’t know Why I’m such an asshole.

I really am.

I have-I’m grumpy.

I don’t-I get

impatient with people quickly, you know?

I just get tired of- When people are boring, I want to

kill them, you know, And that’s not fair.

I used to like people more, But now I have children, And

that changes your life.

It changes your life In a lot of ways.

Like, you spend A lot of time with

people You never would have chosen To spend time with.

Not in a million years.

I spend whole

days With people I’m like, “I never would have Hung out with you.

” I didn’t choose you.

Our

children chose each other Based on no criteria, By the way.

They’re the same size.

They don’t

give a shit Who they make me Hang out with.

My daughter had A playdate the other day.

This

kid comes over, And his father brings him, And his father Brings his fucking face Into my house.

And I have to ask it questions For an hour and a half.

“Ugh.

What do you do?

I don’t care.

“God

damn it.

“What other shit Are you passing on “To that little faggot You brought over here “To

play with my kid?

“I don’t-I hate your son.

“I hate him.

He smells.

” Gets too close When he talks.

“Can I have raisins?”

Yes, you can have- Just… Stand… Dude, I’m not- You’re not mine.

I don’t

love you.

Do you understand?

I don’t have any-no love.

None.

I don’t even have an instinct To

protect you.

I don’t care if you die.

I seriously-I won’t Feel anything if you die.

I’ll have to

pretend.

For your dad.

I like kids.

Parents, I’m not crazy about.

Most parents- Like, this whole country, Our thing is the

children.

We have to do it all For the children.

And, meanwhile, Nobody gives a shit About how

They raise their kids.

People put minimal effort Into it.

They have-their kids- They’re, like,

Consumers of their kids.

Like, they want to call Customer service.

“Why does he play Video

games all day?

I don’t understand Why he plays video-” Maybe ’cause you bought him A fucking

video game, You idiot.

Throw it a- Throw it away!

Who told you That was a good idea?

A

developing mind.

Fucking idiots.

My kids don’t even Watch television.

And when I tell Most

other parents that, You know what they say?

They go, “Aw, fuck you.

” Why?

“Just ’cause fuck

you.

“Fucking hippie weirdo.

“They’re gonna Grow up weirdos.

“‘Cause they don’t watch Just

fucking anger and colors Screaming in their face.

” If your kids watch TV, Here’s what you should

do.

Just-if you think That’s really a good idea To have ’em watch TV, Next time your kid’s

Watching television, Just come up behind them when They don’t know you’re there, And just

turn it off Without any warning.

Just go-pfft.

Watch what happens.

They go- Do you think That’s a good sign?

You think it’s a sign That it’s healthy for them?

That when it’s taken away They go-

Because you’ve created Such a high bar of stimulus That nothing competes.

A beautiful day is

shit To a child now.

A gorgeous, panoramic day With hawks catching fucking mice And flying

away And bears with fucking fish In their teeth.

And the kid’s like, “I want to watch the

television!

This is nothing!”

That’s what’s wrong With our kids.

They can’t just stand And be a

person without- Baa!

Blah!

And then the food– We feed them food That tastes like insanity.

It’s insanity, our food.

Do you

under-you should To be able to give a kid An apple, and they go, “Oh, thank you.

I love apples.

”

Kids can’t even taste- Apples are like paper to them.

Because we fill ’em, We force them to eat-

People force their kids To eat fast food.

I was in this hamburger- This woman’s, like, just Shoving

french fries in the- “Eat it!”

The kid’s, like, “Mom, it’s salty.

It hurts.

I can’t eat anymore.

” “Shut

up.

Have a soda.

” We give them msg, Sugar, and caffeine, And, weirdly, They react to those

chemicals.

And so they yell, “aah.

” And then we hit them.

What fucking chance Does a kid have?

We pump the stuff in there.

“Aah!”

“Shut up!

“Stop it.

Why are you like this?”

“‘Cause I haven’t

had actual Nutrition in eight years, mom.

“I’m dehydrated.

“Give me water.

“Pepsi’s not water,

You cunt.

“Give me a glass of water.

“I’m dying.

I have sores on my tongue All the time.

” “And

stop hitting me.

“You’re huge.

“How could you hit me?

That’s crazy.

You’re a giant, And I can’t

defend myself.”

I really think it’s crazy that we hit our kids.

It really is-here’s the crazy Part about

it.

Kids are the only people In the world That you’re allowed to hit.

Do you realize that?

They’re

the most vulnerable, And they’re the most destroyed By being hit, But it’s totally Okay to hit

them.

And they’re the only ones.

If you hit a dog, They fucking will put you In jail for that shit.

You can’t hit a person unless you can prove that they were trying to kill you.

But a little, tiny

person with a head this big who trusts you implicitly, fuck ’em.

Who gives a shit?

Just fucking-

Let’s all hit them.

People want you to hit your kid.

If your kid’s making noise, They’ll be like, “Hit

him!

Hit him!

“Hit him!

Hit him!”

That’s right.

We’re proud of it.

We tell- “I hit my kids.

” That’s

what people say All the time.

“You’re damn right I hit my kids.

” “Why-why do you hit them?”

“‘Cause they were doing a thing I didn’t like at the moment, “And so I hit them, And guess what?

They didn’t do it after that.

” Well, that wouldn’t be taking The fucking easy way out, Would it?

How about talking to ’em For a second, you fucking retard?

How do you f- How is that- How is

that the- What are you, an idiot?

What are you?

A fucking ape?

“Well, I don’t- it’s a pain in the

ass.

” Well, you fucked a woman, and a fucking baby came out of her vagina.

Now you be

patient.

It’s not their fault.

“Well, I’m teaching ’em that you hit things.”

“It’s learning the world.

“You hit him, and he’ll know… “That I’m stronger than him, “That it hurts when my hand hits his

face.

“He’ll know.

“He’ll get some wisdom out of that.

Raising ’em right.

” God damn it.

Look,

though, Let me say this.

If you have kids And you do hit your kids, I totally get it.

I’m not judging.

Let me just explain.

I get it.

Because my mom hit me.

She hit me all the time.

I don’t hit my kids.

I’m not better than my mom.

It’s ’cause she was poor and I have money.

That’s really all it is.

It

really is.

My mom works really hard.

She was a single mom.

She’d come home all bent over after

15 hours.

I’d be like, “mommy, Nyah nyah nyah.

” “Shut up!”

I totally get that.

I work two hours a

week sometimes, so it’s not really fair, and I know that.

I know there’s moments when you just

fucking- I mean, they’re- being a parent means you have your back up against the wall all the time, Because it’s the only job You can’t quit.

It’s the only job Where you can’t just go- Just put

your wrench Down and go, “Fuck it, guys.

I’m leaving.

“I don’t even Want my last check.

I’m

going home.”