Byline Browne - Ian Dury

I’m here to find out what makes you tick

I’m here to discover the secret you

I intend to reveal you’re crooked and sick

And I don’t give a damn if none of it’s true

'Cos I’m Byline Browne from the national press

And that is how I earn my wages

I bring exposure and distress

As I spread your guts across the centre pages

I’m here to solicit your innermost thoughts

I’m fuelled by jealousy, venom and drink

I poke in your dustbins and I lurk round the courts

I puke up your portrait in bright yellow ink

'Cos I’m Byline Browne of the popular press

The man who bought you babies for sale

I’ll blackmail your neighbour and look up your dress

But come what may I’ll tell my tale

I cover each item as issues arise

With a skein of fabric of tissue of lies

I’ll f*ck up your family, your future and friends

And I’ll see you in hell before my story ends

I’m a reporter with senses and hunches

Somebody’s daughter’s turned into a junkie

I’m on a reporter’s expenses and lunches

And a whiskey and water and I don’t give a monkey’s