Wiggly Willy - Dan Bull

My full name’s Cheltenham D.G.L.B.

Digby

My diet consists strictly of single malt whisky

I’m particularly sesquipedalian

I’ve not published a single literary failure

And I’d speculate that’s mainly thanks to the fact

That I don’t even write books, I just rap

Trust that I’m a distinguished linguist

Whose voice’s weapon of choice is English

A rhythm wrecking rhetorician, getting recognition

For the fact that I’m swagger’s dictionary definition

On first look, you’re ready for a second listen

I took your sister to third base, cherry picking

Heavy hitting, yet with incredible erudition

It’s a travesty you haven’t seen me rapping on your television

I’m Cheltenham «Douglby"Digby

My witty words make your willy feel all wiggly

I’m Cheltenham «Douglby"Digby

If folk don’t dig me, they don’t know diddly

Allow the grime scene for the time being

I turn the G into a C: crime scene

I’m the nightmare to come and wreck your nice dream

I’ll open up your top like a double decker sightseeing

I ripped the Rolex off of Wiley

And now I wear it in my jacket pocket by my tie, see?

I’m the reason that your wife’s seen the dry cleaner

Imbibing my seed like Ribena

I’ll livestream it widescreen

As she lies, semen smeared on her cheeks like a child eating ice cream

She might need a new dress;

Lewinsky

I’m going mental on your crew’s set;

Klaus Kinski

I’ll kick your mumsy in the mimsy with an air of whimsy

Then throw her down the stairs like a slinky

I’m Cheltenham «Douglby"Digby

My witty words make your willy feel all wiggly

I’m Cheltenham «Douglby"Digby

If folk don’t dig me, they don’t know diddly

Give me a mo, bro;

Digby

Will make your ho go giggly, oh so quickly

The po-po tried to photofit me

I simply did this and they let me go: victory

I don’t have any history, lathered in mystery

Someone phone Agatha Christie

My breath smells of a packet of Wrigley’s

Mixed with whatever the hell my tobacconist gives me

I’ll piggyback on the back of a pygmy

Screaming «quickly, quickly"while I’m jabbing his kidneys

From the Indies to Sydney and in between

A Cold War submarine is my limousine

A libertine with the sympathy of Mr Bean

A prick that means to to be inflammatory so bring your antihistamines

I’m Mister Meanness, I bring a list of misdemeanours

Bigger than your sister’s penis;

how pissed the scene is

Just switch your speakers off if you’re squeamish

I’ve completed treatises and theses on faeces

I’m the bee’s knees;

pollenating on the daily

I leave seeds upon a range of lovely ladies

I ram raided Hades with a Mercedes

Camera in the deceased’s faces: «say cheese»

I’m from a place of make believe, and now I’m real

Slightly hallucinatory is how I feel

Thou art kneeling before me;

raw meat

Ready to be churned and then turned into corned beef

Balls deep in the rhythm like a porn scene

And jisming, it’s beginning to get a bit like Wall Street

With all the greed I’m growing taller than a broad bean

Drag you to the park folded in half like a lawn seat

I’m Cheltenham «Douglby"Digby

My witty words make your willy feel all wiggly

I’m Cheltenham «Douglby"Digby

If folk don’t dig me, they don’t know diddly