Half-Life 2 - Dan Bull

Story time

Twenty years since the incident at Black Mesa

The G-Man makes the Freeman wake up on a train to City 17

Dystopian as a city’s ever been

Oh, see who’s popped up on the screen

Black Mesa’s administrator;

Dr. Wallace Breen

But as Gordon arrives to step in the station

He’s pulled aside for interrogation

Separated into a darkened damp room

Hang on a second, is that not Barney Calhoun?

It’s hard to tell who’s good guys or bad

But they decide to rout through to Kleiner’s Lab

On the way, get a glimpse of the Combine empire

Now, there’s a raid, run, run, try and get far

Scatter like a cat and a mouse in chase

Now they found you they’re smacking a baton

Around your face, uh

Wake up, wake up, Dr. Freeman

Who’s this face?

He must have been dreaming

Ha!

Not a chance, that’s Alyx Vance

And by all accounts, she’s about to gallivant

Down to the lab with you just behind her

'Cause she’d got to find you for Dr. Kleiner

This place isn’t easy as A-B-C

Super tough environment, here’s an H.E.V.

Suit

Just in time to teleport you to all of the other scientists

To support their assault

But sod’s law and of course there’s a flaw

And a balls up when Lamarr causes a fault

And the forces that saw it are all on patrol

Looking for Gordon, so, Gordon is forced to withdraw

Down through the canals, fuckin' hell, better go hard

«Yo Barney, chuck us down a crowbar»

Running in, swinging it at them, going to twat them

Splitting their scalp as if he’s splitting an atom

Picking up the pistol this prick was packing

Dispatch the dispatched units attacking

Train-hopping, got to save himself

Popping into Station 12

Ain’t stopping on the nature trail

Been breaking cells and evading shells

Dash, dead fast, into Station 6

Smash Headcrabs into bacon bits

Whatever floats your boat, apropos to note

The bloke rode a Motorboat 'til the rotor broke

Whoa, bro!

Those flows, just don’t, fucking hell

You’re stuck in a canal so, get out

Running for cover fast, funneling into a tunnel

Wonder what’ll come of that, going to get pummeled

So, let a Vortigaunt fit a gun to the top of it

So, none can stop it and then confront a copper

That’s in a Hunter-Chopper

Dropping a hundred tons of bombs on top of us

Pop, pop, Freeman’s done with apocalypse

Damn, how long did that take to reach Black Mesa East?

Seemed like a couple days at least

A crazed police state they were chasing Freeman

Through water-ways and streets

All the way to the door of his destination, jeez

So, get the kettle on and make some tea, chai

Got bread to break with Eli

Mossman and Alyx and another little, green guy

Now, we’ve had a minute, having some fun

Got to get grappling with the Gravity Gun

No ammunition, in this kind of cannon, there’s none

Pulling and pushing and grabbing is how the damage is done

Now, come and meet Dog, he’s a robot pet

Ooh, can I stroke him?

No, not yet!

Hello, little fellow!

Holy crap!

You’re tall!

Go, go Dog!

Fetch that basketball

Oh god, heck!

That’s not a ball

That’s a bomb so, let’s smash that wall and get on

But then Gordon and Dog are separated and so

Gordon heads on into Ravenholm

Wow, hey!

This place has really gone downhill

Since we left from the station

This neglect must be the effect of zombie gentrification

Unless this statement’s mistaken

I reckon the neighbours' must have taken a vacation

To a place that ain’t full of the flaming remains of Ravenholm

The failing favela full of razor blades to rotate and impale you

Hey!

By the way, this part’s bloody gory

I warned you too late, timing it poorly

But, still, it’d be a far different story

If Gordon hadn’t found Father Grigori

Who graciously donated a shotgun

Shucks, mate!

Always wanted one and now, I’ve got one

They haven’t got long, they’re short of time

But I’m sure there’s a mine, they’ll be sure to find

Then Gordon goes on, leaves Gregori behind

To race through the blaze to his grave

It’s an awkward goodbye, it’s an awkward goodbye

It’s an awkward goodbye, it’s an awkward goodbye

It’s an awkward goodbye

Freeman sees that Eli’s been shipped to Nova Prospekt

So, he’s got to hit the road and hope there are no upsets

Reach the coast, there’s beaches, docks

Wrecks and bath towels like a TV boxset’s plot

Set in Nassau, a hot mess like trap houses

Spot checks and crackdowns

On crack rocks so, they have no option

But to get up and crack scalps

Then hot-stepping, flat out with the gas down

'Til the ash clouds are in the rear view mirror

What?

It’s not got one?

Don’t book an mot, I doubt it’d pass now

Get out the dying car to fight the Antlion Guard

Say sayonara!

Bye-bye to the giant fly 'cause by-and-large

It’s necessary pest control, swatting them like flies now

Firing rockets off the top of a conical lighthouse

With comical timing, the combine are like moths to a flame

They must be like, «My god, we’ve lost him again!»

It’s not been the same

Since Freeman got a box of Pheropods to chuck

Now, the game’s full of bugs, their QA Testers must have sucked

There’s such a bloody mess

Looks like they crushed them with a monster truck

It’s just a clusterfudge of shoveled rubble, puddles, dust and muck

Anyway, what is this place?

Some sort of prison base?

I reviewed it on Google Places, let’s just say, it isn’t great

I’ve never had to look up prison riots on TripAdvisor

Then again, I’ve never had to break out a Resistance Fighter

The screws were getting turnt so, Gordon fricking lit them right up

Leave their britches burnt as if they’re bitten by a widow spider

Isn’t it nice to get a bit of quality time, Alyx?

Just to find Mossman is a combine spy, dammit!

I’ve had it with the two-faced snake

And I very much doubt that my views may change

Finally they find her, too late, mate

Eli’s in her noose, made to escape

With great haste, teleports him straight to the Citadel

Then vacates to the same place in it as well

It may be dangerous, just a tiny tad

But we need to take it to get to Kleiner’s Lab

So, climb in the back and let’s split

Combine are attacking, no time for Netflix

No time to chill, we got to find the girl

Quicker than Simon Cowell could frickin' sign a deal

But on the other side, Kleiner reveals

They’ve been stuck in time spinning on the ride like a wheel

And a week went by in the blink of an eye

That was seen as a sign, «Begin the Uprising»

City 17, civil war, it’s a living hell

Even more reason for storming the Citadel

So, let’s meet Barney for breakfast

We need energy for storming the Nexus

Kill Combine, put it down on the checklist

Didn’t ring ahead so, I doubt they’ll expect us

But if they’re trying to find us, they might just find us

Fighting Striders like this, things are really popping off

It’s looking like apocalyptic prophecies

Hypotheses were properly predicted

Turn up as a person, you’re going to leave as liquid

When you going to learn to give Gordon Freeman distance

He’s not as masculine as normally depicted

He doesn’t have to be, the former laws have been restricted

This protagonist is just a man who gets shit finished efficiently

No matter just how bad it gets, the town burns, the valve turns

A well learned lesson, now, we’ll found out the outcomes

Well, flipping hell, this is it

We’re in the Citadel now, didn’t miss a trick

But even if he did, Dr. Freeman is a wiz

At retrieving opportunities from seemingly impossible

Unfeasibly and inconceivably tough predicaments

The Gravity Gun is pulling your muscles off your ligaments

Pick them up and chuck them down an elevator shaft

Particularly the ones who made our escapade a faff

But admit it, this is pretty fun, ragdoll physics

Spinning your head round like Dan Bull lyrics

That captivating, you forgot to breathe

Good job, we booked a meeting in with Dr. Breen

So, hurry up, pull your socks up, we must proceed

I know it’s tough when there’s, oh, so much to see

But there’s a job to do, prisoners to free

It seems Mossman’s role in this is not complete

Unlocked, released, the team watch as Breen flees

Up to the top to release the beast

So, he must be stopped just like SOPA and ACTA

Our only hope is a broken reactor

But there’s a bloke that we know comin' at you

Froze motionless as if he’s broken your back

Well-spoken, you’ve seen him before

You’re without hope as he leaves through the door

Well, what do you think a sequel is for?