Half-Life - Dan Bull

They call me Gordon Freeman

And up until this morning

I was an ordinary normal human

Eating and reading the ingredients on a box of cereals

Then heading off to the Office of Anomalous Materials

Realise I’m late so I’ll have to catch you later

Gotta catch a train to Black Mesa’s anti-mass chamber

Put on my hazmat in case the vat breaks ‘cause that’s dangerous

You’d have to evade the blast radius of a resonance cascade that’s

The last stage of —

Ah, ahh!

It’s.

.. it’s actually, it’s actually happening

Th-this is not good!

This is — shit

Wake up in the chamber with a bad head

Everybody in the lab dead

I better had fled, this is dead rad

Get it?

Dead rad, hit a headcrab

With a crowbar, I’m a lonestar

Yo, guard!

Gotta go, but I’ll owe you a postcard

Oh darn!

Life is so hard, with no halves

Let alone half, like a diet with low carbs

But I like it so far

Life now has a worth and a purpose

Find out what on earth is occurring

Wipe out any vermin that’s stirring

Fly now to the surface and hurrry

There’s a person that’s lurking, queer

Think I’ve seen him working here

Gee, man, I’m not really certain what he’s observing

But I’m going to persevere, though I’m mere-

Ly an engineer, I’ll end your career

G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-Man (And!)

F-F-F-F-F-F-F-Freeman (Who?)

G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-Man (And!)

Damn, everybody’s after me

Guess that’s the way it has to be

From Black Ops to G-Man and all these dastardly

Bastard beings, masked marines

I’m blasting things with SPAS-12s

Then take a break to recharge my shield and grab health

Electric impulses convulse with the most violent sound

Sending houndeyes to the pound, firing rounds

Sliding round mines, if life has half a meaning, well I’ve found mine

Bouncing through the sky so high that I’m on cloud nine

Low gravity provides some downtime to hit the ground

I am bringing down giants as if they’re fricking houseflies

Hitch a ride inside a monorail car

Swinging off a tentacle like ahhhhhhhh!

I get in the ring with anybody, man, who’s on next?

I’ll wreck you, trekking from the land of Xen to Lambda Complex

Hang on one sec, I think I’ve got the wrong specs

That baby looks gargantuan, these lenses can’t be convex

Imagine the conception;

that must have been some sex

Not to mention giving birth to it;

how much can bums stretch?

But enough talk of proportions and awkward contortions

To pull the portal shut calls for the goriest abortion

F-F-F-F-F-F-F-Freeman (And!)

G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-man (Who?)

F-F-F-F-F-F-F-Freeman (And!)