Poems - Bo Burnham

I believe there is nothing more manly one can do than take a shower with 5

other guys, It’s true.

It’s not a joke its early cavemen, you know.

Cromagnum wandering through the fog, scrubbing 5 other sapians, no homo

I wanna do a poem for you, some poems for you

I’ve got chimes

Oh, a genie just came

Now that we’re halfway through the show I’d like to take the pressure off you,

the audience, and just read some serious poetry, then we’ll go back to the

giggles.

This is from my book, «Egghead», that some of you may already have

Just sit back and enjoy this poetry

«Roses are grey

Violets are a different shade of grey

Let’s go chase cars.»

That’s a poem by a dog

This is a poem about beauty

About self-image

And about the ability to transform

«Martha was ugly like a shaved baboon

So she wrapped herself up in a curtain cocoon

And after a week, she finally emerged

She smelled like shit.

What a psycho.»

You can’t transcend them, I guess that’s the moral

«Me, with my strange choice of adjectives

You, with your muscular teeth

And your clockwise vagina.»

«You're incomparable, like a…»

«I put a chameleon on a dildo…»

No

«He blushed.»

There we go

«I wanna beat you to death with a blunt object!

I wanna grab one of those high-end fashion mannequins by the ankles and bash

your rib cage in!

I wanna sharpen 50 pencils, bind them with a rubber band, stick the lead ends

in your mouth and punch the erasers!

I wanna strap you to a bed of nails, then strap that bed of nails to the hood

of my car so I can watch you suffer as we drive over the speed bumps in a mall

parking lot during an earthquake!

I want you to somehow survive a terrible car crash and somehow not survive a

small fender-bender on the way back from the hospital.»

Thank you, that’s called «Dad»

«If I had a million dollars, I’d pay your mother to have sex with me

Afterwards, I’d invest in the remaining $ 999,990»

$ 10 for sex with your mother!

Comedy!

I smell comedy

Well, it was comedy giving off that scent

I can see the light on your face, bitch!

Stop texting!

This is a poem, it’s a story that’s meant primarily for children,

but I think it’s got a lesson we could all learn

«The squares lived happily in their square houses with their square yards in

their square town

But, then one day a family of circles moved in from the West!

'Get outta here, roundy!'

shouted one of the squares

'Why?'

asked one of the circles

'Cause this is a metaphor for racism!'»

«When I walk into a party, you’d think I was one of those long, straight Tetris

pieces, cause everyone’s like, 'Oh yeah, this guy’s here.

Finally,

we’ve been waiting for him to show up.»

Like you wait in the game-- forget it, I mean…

No!

You had your chance

And finally

«Mid-October with leaves spilled like pencil shavings

The streets dicing our town into neat unfair portions

And me

Eating that pussy, baby!»

Thank you guys so much, thank you for being a part of this, coming to the show

I just need one person’s enthusiasm, that’s all I need to carry it

«Oh, ow!

I’m turned on and hurt!»