Love Is… - Bo Burnham

Uhm, so this next song is about love, appropriately

I love you like kings love queens

Like a gay geneticist loves designer genes

I need you like New Orleans needs a drought

Like Hitler’s father needed to learn to pull out

And I want you, yeah

Like a lawyer-slash-mathematician wants some kind of proof

And I want you, yeah

Like JFK wanted

A car with a roof

Because love is taking that dive

Then getting really comfortable and peeing in the pool

And love is a real-life porn

Minus all the stuff that makes porn cool

And love is a homeless guy, searching for treasure in the middle of the rain and

Finding a bag of gold coins and slowly finding out they’re all filled with

chocolate and

Even though he’s heart broken, he can’t complain cause he was hungry in the

first place

Because I love you like

Dora loves maps

Like the Pope’s toilet loves holy craps.

(Just's a little one.)

I need you like a voyeur needs a branch

Like boys tossing salad need a little bit of Neverland Ranch

And I want you, yeah

Like all the gothic kids that look exactly the same never want to conform

And I want you like Anne Frank wanted

Nobody to read her fucking diary

Cause a diary is a collection of secret things that no one’s supposed to read,

that’s the whole point of a diary.

Millions of people that breached this

little girl’s privacy after she was chased by Nazis;

kick her while she’s down

And if we met in 10,000 BC

I was your caveman, you’s my cavelady

If we got hot, we’d start rubbing

If we got hungry, we’d go clubbing

There’s woolly mammoths, but I will protect us

You’re making me devolve to a homo erectus,

mothafucker

And if we met in 1780

I was a white southern aristocratic plantation owner and you were my

dark-skinned servant lady… slave

Whenever I could get away from the missus

I go to your shed and then I’d steal you kisses

But let’s be serious, I’d still work you full-time as a slave, there’s a

difference between romantic language and a complete disregard for

socio-economic trends

And if we met in 1941

I was a Nazi, you’s a Gypsy on the run (That's a little redundant)

That… probably wouldn’t have worked out

Because…

Love is your favorite food for every breakfast, lunch, and dinner

And love is the Holocaust, 'cept you don’t die quick and you don’t get thinner

And love is being the owner of the company that makes rape whistles

And even though you started the company with good intentions trying to reduce

the rate of rape

Now you don’t want to reduce it at all cause if the rape rate declines,

you’ll see an equal decline in whistle sales

Without rapists, who’s gonna buy your whistles?

Yeah, love is all about…

Whistles.

Thank you

Uh, that one was a bit vulgar, but uh, you know, dicks and vaginas are sorta

like Coke and Pepsi, you know?

Ah, I strongly prefer one, but my dad thinks

they taste the same